Lost

Have you ever been lost ,,,

between : what you want, what you need, and what you have ?

That's the case for me,

I want something, I had something ( or at least I thought I had ) and I need something else

You always want the shiny, beautiful something

But reality gives you something that is better, but not necessarily as shiny as what you want

Here comes logic...

What are you supposed to choose ?

What If you can not choose ?

Again, that's the situation here

Not being able to choose !

It is useless now since things have collapsed

It seems that,, things were not meant to happen the way we thought

It is easy to blame it on him, you know !

I was not able to accept the whole thing,,

commitment, relationship, the idea that you think this is not what you are meant to do !

But I could easily blame it on him ! ( J )

I could not understand the whole situation, and he could not convince me,,

Well, he tried more than enough, but I was not sensitive enough to capture his emotions

Am I regretting it now ?

Am I sorry for what things end up to ?

I still do not know !

And I still do not know what does he want

Or what is he aiming to

Hopefully things will eventually come to an end

A real end, other than that fake one we had a month ago !

Sounds and Voices

How does one's voice affect our feelings ?

A person stays mysterious as long as you do not hear him/her speak

Voices, for me, make a big difference

It is fascinating how, after hearing a person's voice, you can form the words you want to hear him/her say, in your mind, by their voices !

Have you ever remembered what somebody has told you, by their voices ?

Have you ever read a novel, hearing in your mind the voice of your teacher or your friend reading it !

Or even remembering lines from a movie by the voice of the actor/actress ?

The point is

I've heard him ( E) talk, three times

One was with me, one on the phone, and one with a friend

How I wished to be the three !

But, my dilemma was that,,,

I can not remember his voice !

I can not form the words I want him to say to me, in his own voice !

Maybe because, when I heard him

His presence covered upon anything else !

Any sort of concentration was lost !

Today, a friend, a dear friend helped me have a glimpse of him before the long weekend !

We passed by him, and I was trying not to look at him

But she was

As if she knew I would not be able to, so she could give me a piece of information about what he was doing

And she did !

He looked at me,,, she said

ِAnd I felt happy for that !

Happy that, I know I heard his voice, but I do not remember his words !

Hope those situation happen to happen more often !

Coffee my friend

My friend is obsessed with the idea of sharing coffee with the beloved !

The whole idea of sharing fascinates her, but that's not the topic, for now !

Coffee,,, I don't really like it unless it comes with sweet flavors

And that day, I had a caramel latte, which was not really good at the beginning but eventually was drinkable !

I know what coffee does to her,,, and never thought it would to me

Well, actually,, it was not the coffee itself,, but it is the situation itself !

What fascinated me is the thing I could come up with after the situation

"I put my eyes in the disordered world of your existence, and for your appearance I burn my tongue, but worthless my efforts are, for you are gone but the burning still exists ! "

This fruit of my heart describes the situation in a very simple way

He ( E ) was there, all of a sudden, and I just pretended to "not" notice him

So I tried to pour on my coffee as an attempt to be "cool" !

And I burned my tongue !

As simple as that !

His absence is becoming "no big deal" for me

But his monuments are still there !!

As I am in the process of growing up

I am also in the process of forgetting

Good Lord, I still can not !

But,,, Things will get better as time goes on,,, and as he continues his ignorance !

Selfishness

How does one know whether s/he is selfish ?

Are there symptoms ?

Well, the symptoms are not so obvious for those who believe that they are good and white hearted people

For it is difficult for one with such an ego to believe s/he is the opposite of his/her facade

I think what I am trying to say is that:

Being self-centered does not necessarily mean being selfish !

When someone is talking about him/herself, and the receiver changes the topic towards him/herself, s/he is just being self-centered !

But selfishness is a very different concept

It is, for me, taking without giving

Basically, without caring for giving

That's what I mainly do

I never mean to, and always regret the fact that I did

But it is just something that has already happened "5ala9"

It is just that... I am not good at expressing my feelings !

I don't really say : I love you, I miss you, I care about you

I don't even say : I want, I need, I feel...

People just don't understand it this way

When my friend says : I love you ! I only say : me too !

So she yells at me saying that me too is not enough !

I know that it is not enough, but it is out of my hands

Things will change, I can see that coming, just hope it does in rapidity !

Triple A

Starting over is what I am good at

though chances are limited

but through the dim light I shall see

what lies beneath my clouded mind